When to Ask…
Posted by VeRonda Wicks August 6th, 2009A friend of mine called me today to get some advice on how to help his wife better understand sports. He and I had discussed the subject several times before, but he was at a record high on irritation and needed some answers. I had to think about his questions because it was paramount to gage whether he was frustrated with his wife for her lack of knowledge on the subject or whether he felt she didn’t care about understanding the subject.
I asked him for an example and he said she asked questions like, “Why is the point guard so small? Shouldn’t he be bigger? Isn’t he suppose to guard the other team from getting points?” These questions made him angry and resentful, and we eventually pinpointed why… It wasn’t so much the questions, although he did ask her if she was serious (LOL!). It was more about timing. He said it was during the Finals (NBA, people, for those who aren’t aware) and the game was close, and now she wanted to have this conversation.
It’s timing… with everything that we endeavor, timing is one of the most important facets of a situation. Now, with training camp (NFL yall… Go Ravens!!) in full force, he wanted to be sure that he could stop the questions before they started and before the season started. I recommended asking her to learn one thing a week (You can choose the range.) about the particular seasonal sport that he’s watching. All the while letting her know that this is the type of gift he wants to receive and how important it is to him. I conveyed to him from a woman’s point of view, that one of the more difficult things about relationships is understanding what your partner REALLY wants… You know, instead of trying to guess in the dark.
So, instead of telling your significant other to zip it… just relay that it’s about timing.
I know this is a common reality, huh? I’d love to hear yours…
August 6th, 2009 at 12:50 am
A common reality… for some, maybe. I tend to think as men we are more willing to explain what’s going on in a game, with our sons or maybe even mentees, rather than spouses & significant others. Reason being? It’s more like part a rite of passage, to instill the knowledge of sport into your children, who really want to understand or even aspire to play the game… unlike our wives, in most cases.
My wife, for instance, doesn’t necessarily care about the games but will watch because I’m focused on it. When she asks about something that happened or a particular call, during the game it’s most likely because of her lack of interest or just not paying attention to the game at that point. She was a HS cheerleader and does have a pretty basic knowledge of basketball and football, so the questions are not that frequent. In the end, I do agree that it is all about timing.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:17 am
Wow James… That point is interesting. I may have to continue the conversation with your comment. I seriously wonder why that is the case. That is, why you’re not that interested in sharing with your wife?… I mean, for my knowledge I’d like to know. I’m thinking some of them would want to learn, too. You know, genuinely learn. Interesting… Hope to hear from you soon!
August 6th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Yes, Shane and I both go through this with our kids. I think it’s easier with kids though because they get an answer to a question and they either ‘get it’ or ‘forget it’. lol. Woman? Sometimes we just don’t know when to ”forget it’…lol
August 6th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Interesting and informative. But will you write about this one more?
August 6th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
LOL Sheila! I guess that’s it… b/c I really can’t get my head around James’ comment. I mean, I understand the kids getting it part, but who says the woman doesn’t? I think finding out what that “it” is helps out everyone. I’ll be stopping by your site later today….
Hey Floost… thanks for the visit and comment.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Very interesting subject… my wife and I have the same “issue”. She’s really not into sports but will watch with me especially during football season. Im a die-hard Ravens fan (Who let da dogs out!!!) Ok I’m back.. anyway, she will sit with me during the game and quilt or knitt. She does ask questions and I try to explain in the most elementary way possible for her to understand. But honesty, it does bother me at times when the game is tied and Flacco is driving the team downfield and she asked the most insane question. It does make me wonder, is she really interested or is she just trying to be a good wife and spend time with me. I must admit, I do watch HGTV with her. But I do keep my mouth shut during the end when they are about to show you what the rehabbed house looks like.. LOL
August 6th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
David, you have me in stitches with your comment… LOL!! I’m telling you, it’s a common thing, and what I want to do is spread the word about what helps and what will make watching the game–whatever game that is–more than just tolerable for all involved. HGTV? Wow… I think it takes a real man to watch that channel… Do you have a pink shirt, too?!? LOL. Nice to see a comment from you again. Drop by soon…
August 6th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
You make a lot of good points here. I also think it’s really hard for me as a woman to know when is a good time to ask questions about sports my boyfriend is watching. I feel like an idiot always asking, “what is that position? Why are they calling a time out? What was that penalty for?…what’s off sides? lol…but at the same time I have these questions about the games and I don’t really have enough of an interest to learn about it outside of when I’m watching it with him. But maybe if he told me it was really important to him for me to learn more I would. Or perhaps your friend (or even my boyfriend) should pick a game that he doesn’t care about to explain things to his wife. For example, if it’s football season, picking a random game that’s on and using that as a teaching experience. That way he’s not annoyed by questions at the wrong moment and his wife could comfortably ask all the questions she wants! Just a thought
Keep up the posts I like reading them.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Kezia,
Here is my suggestion to you… I wont say from a mans point a view, I will just say from a sports lovers point of view. Even when my fav team is not playing I still like to watch a good game so to me its never a good time to just start “rambling” with the questions. But here is a suggestion, tell your boyfried your “really” interested in whatever sporting event is about to come on and ask him to explain please explain the game to you. (Dont for get to tilt your head to the side and give him the look that women like to give us). For me that would make me take the time and give you the attention that you would need to make you feel comfortable.
WARNING: This is not to be done during ANY playoff or during any favorite teams game!!!!
Hope this helps….
V… I did have a pink shirt.. thank you very much.. but that was in ‘82… Prince and the Revolution.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Crack up!! David you are hilarious! But I do appreciate the advice. Kezia’s point is what a lot of women feel and if you can take that and run with it, everyone will benefit. I will say, as another sports’ lover, that talking during any game is much more than I can bear… well, you know, rambling-based talking. And, I also agree that a little womanly energy utilized is never a bad… It tends to work more often than not. LOL. So, I’ll be sure to make the next post a combination of both you guys schools of thoughts…
August 6th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
And wait!… David, Prince & ‘82? Wow… That was alot. I can imagine it though. Hope to see you back here soon!!
August 6th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Hello All… I don’ t mind answering questions during the game, but I also talk and analyze almost every game I watch: basketball, football, baseball, etc… I also have the benefit of a DVR, which allows me to pause the game and explain. I think that watching games gain something special when shared with others and in most cases it is just me and my wife.
What is the pink shirt reference?
August 6th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Mmm. Well based on the described situation, your designated solution doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I feel like the way she asks somehow affects his response. Perhaps something there could be worked out too…
August 6th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Hey Doug… see, I don’t think it’s talking in general, you know? It’s the question-type talking with no understanding behind it that I think is the irritant. And, it is a special time. As a lover of sports, I don’t think there’s too many things thats better… And, oh, I think David’s pink shirt reference has everything to do with that time… in which anything went. See you back here soon!
Drew, it doesn’t appear to be as simple as it seems… I’m finding out. But what you’re saying goes right back to timing… Timing will reveal the proper response or not. Visit again!…
August 6th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I agree that timing is everything. My wife has learned the fine art of…get this…’waiting til-a commercial’!! (LOL) before she bombards me with questions. We too have DVR so I can rewind back to her specific point, especially if it’s half-time, and we can discuss it. I have to say that I’ve learned patience over the 11+ years we’ve been married. I now respect and appreciate the fact that she really wants to just around me and if sports is my ‘thing’, she’ll do that too…Peace
August 6th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
i’d like to think ‘im very patient when answering questions about sports to the unlearned. I say in this case that maybe he should teach teach teach during pre-season so that when it matters she won’t have so many questions.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Hey Mike… It’s good to hear you and your wife have come to some type of agreement. Thank goodness for DVR, I guess. LOL! And, the “thing” you’re referring to is what I was pinpointing in the post… When a significant other finds out the things that are important to you, he or she will put every effort in place to make you happy… at least most times.
And JayDub, thanks for stopping by… now there’s a thought… I guess you’re in agreement with Kezia. Hope to see you back soon!!
August 6th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
What an interesting discussion, and yes it does seem to be a discussion. Sadly I would appear to be in the minority on a number of different front, such as being foreign.
I come from a teeny tiny little island where they play a game with a bat and ball in ancient times. It was called rounders and only girls were allowed to play it. It’s a bit different over here.
I’m also more fortunate than many of your readers in that neither of us [me and my partner] know one end of a bat from the other end, regardless of which continent we’re on.
Other than that we have absolutely nothing in common with each other, zero common ground, no commonality or shared interests…..apart from an allergy to sports I suppose.
That aside, it seems to work remarkably well as we’re still glued together after 20 years.
Cheers
August 7th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Hey Maddy… I’m glad that you’ve visited. Yeah, this has taken on a life of its own. I’m glad to hear from you though b/c it gives a different perspective on the entire topic. Loved your comments… Stop by again!!
August 7th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Good line of thought. Maybe the key is to get involved in an emotional rather than an intellectual way. At the beginning of a season pick a fav team or underdog and start rootin for them, then learn the rules on the way. This might be a better way to connect
August 7th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Hey guys… As I sit in the “Man Cave” watchin the NFL networks replay of the Raven’s 2000 march to the Big Dance (that would be the Super Bowl for our foreign friends on this blog). I starting thinking about this blog. So I thought I would login and say whats on my mind. Well here goes…Its not about idle conversation during a game…I mean how many of us actually watch a game in total silence if there is someone else in the room. As a matter of fact, I think Im more verbal during a Ravens game when I am alone… I think that timing is the key to all of wifeys questoins to me.
Doug – I too have a DVR but if Im watching any sport and things are getting good… I dont wanna have to keep hittin the DVR to stop and answer “insane” questions… also I have sat on the remote by mistake and changed the channel and lost like 20 minutes of a game… Oh that was a sad day in the household lemme tell you
Note: no woman or children were hurt doing that day…
August 7th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I like this post, but I have to disagree a bit with everyone. I think your friend should be happy that his wife is trying! She’s making an effort to show an interest in something she doesn’t know anything about. I think SHE deserves a pat on the back for stepping out of her comfort zone to try to connect with her husband and share in his hobbies.
I understand the whole timing thing, but how much can the guy really expect? She’s taking an interest, and that’s the whole point, right?
Go wifey.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Naaaw man I ain’t feeling that. I simply don’t have the feel or patience to educate my wife about a sporting event that I am watching. In fact, if I wasn’t watching it, I would not want to educate her about it. Something’s wrong with this picture. I know you sensitive types believe that this is good for the marriage and whatnot but the marriage will be good without such ill-timed elucidation. We are in a culture in American of saying the political correct thing but not me. LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M WATCHING THE GAME! BRING ME SOME MORE BEER AND BUFFALO WINGS!
The Honeymooner
August 7th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Man… you guys are funny! Well, first, Joshua… I’m sure the ladies (and some men) appreciate your train of thought. You’re probably more along the lines with Jenny and her thoughts. Which, by the way, are similar to what a lot of women feel who work and have children and feel that they are overwhelmed with life in general. I do think women, Jenny, should get props for trying… But that’s the question… Is she trying?
David, you’re back, huh? I’m glad we agree on something… LOL! And you said no woman or children were hurt doing “that” day? What about other games… Stop the violence. LOL!
And Honeymooner, wow!! I don’t even know which way to go with you on this… Buffalo wings? Crack up… Please stop by again with more enlightening responses!!
August 7th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Actually, every now and then I will sit and watch a game or two with my husband. Am I really interested in the game? Naw…I just enjoy sitting with him, you know just simply being in his presence. So while he’s watching the game, I might be engrossed in a good book. Now I must admit, when he gets a bit roudy or angry and yells at the television, I do want to know what is going on, or what I missed. I ask because I genuinely want to know. I expect him to tell me or explain to me because…I am his wife and I asked. LOL! However, my husband does not have to worry about me bothering him too much during the game because I do have a little more than basic knowledge of sports. Therefore, when or if I ask a question, I expect him to give me an answer and then I am done. No need to linger. I am NOT that interested! I like the leisure of being able to get up and go and do as I please while he is watching the game. There are other sports we enjoy watching together that we enjoy talking about, like track and field. I enjoy being in the presence of my husband (while he’s watching a game) and also having time to myself…to me, that’s having the best of both worlds!
August 7th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I guess the beer and buffalo wings are out, huh?! I suppose being in our presence is cool but absent the beer and wings, the grumbling of my stomach does not make me pleasant company. Do you think when we get angry and yell at the TV we are merely transferring disappointing and frustrating emotions from not having beer and buffalo wings?! Worth considering…
August 7th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Hi D’Otta… I’m glad you guys have a balanced thing going on here. And, that it works for the both of you. I’m a yeller and thrower, too, when the game is close or something crazy happens. Stop by again soon…
Honeymooner… you are hilarious! I actually don’t mind the beer and buffalo wings. I just can’t believe you said it. LOL!!! And I’d be the one saying grab the soda and chips while you’re up. Crack up. So, I’ve considered your position on things. LOL… See you soon!
August 10th, 2009 at 1:43 am
I really like your blog and i respect your work. I’ll be a frequent visitor.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:30 am
Thank you, Ventego, for dropping by. It is always nice to have a frequent visitor!!